The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

**Giggles**
21:51 Feb 28 2011
Times Read: 724

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.



One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.



As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?



'You have been with me all through the bad times.



When I got fired, you were there to support me.



When my business failed, you were there.



When I got shot, you were by my side.



When we lost the house, you stayed right here.



When my health started failing, you were still by my side...



You know what Martha?'



'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.



I'm beginning to think you're fucking bad luck'

**Guffaw**
00:23 Feb 24 2011
Times Read: 737

An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf.



So he puts his name down at the local club.



After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down.



So he goes down to the club to enquire why.



Secretary:



You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?



Scot:



Aye but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.



Secretary:



This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.



Scot:



Aye, so do I.



Secretary:



You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?



Scot:



Aye, neither do I.



Secretary:



But you are a Jew?



Scot:



Aye, I be that.



Secretary:



So you are circumcised?



Scot:



Aye, I be that too.



Secretary:



I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.



Scot:



Ach, away with ya man.



I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen.



And I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus.



But this is the first time I heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.

**Giggles**
00:21 Feb 22 2011
Times Read: 747

OLD people have problems that you haven't

even considered yet!



An 85-year-old man was requested by his

Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical

exam.



The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take

this jar home and bring back a semen sample

tomorrow.'



The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared

at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,

which was as clean and empty as on the

previous day.



The doctor asked what happened and the man

explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried

with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried

with my left hand, but still nothing..



'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with

her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,

then with her teeth out, still nothing.



She even called up Arleen, the lady next door

and she tried too, first with both hands, then an

armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between

her knees, but still nothing.'



The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your

neighbor?'



The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get

the jar open.'

**Titter**
14:20 Feb 20 2011
Times Read: 761

A WOMAN was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane.



Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney Along the way.



The flight attendant explained that There would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted To get off the aircraft the plane would re-board In 50 minutes.





Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was Blind.



A man had noticed her as he walked by and Could tell the lady was blind because her Guide Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her Throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before Because the pilot approached her, and calling her by Name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost An hour.



Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'



The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'







Picture this:







All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Guide dog!



The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.



People scattered.

**Giggles**
13:21 Feb 20 2011
Times Read: 762

”As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.



In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.



The landlord goes out of his way for the locals.



When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."





"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Black Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."







"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.



Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"



The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.



The Irishman swore every word was true.



"Did this actually happen to you?"



"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times ..."

**Giggles**
00:22 Feb 19 2011
Times Read: 776

*A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.*



*The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".*



*The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."*



*"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.*



*His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"*



*"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."*

**Giggles**
15:06 Feb 18 2011
Times Read: 784

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.







The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply.







They brought the cow from Scotland.







It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.







They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.







They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.







No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.







The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, and tell him what was happening and to ask his advice.





"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.





If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.





When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.







If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."







The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"





The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.





"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.





"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?





The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:





"My wife is from Scotland.”

**Grins**
21:48 Feb 11 2011
Times Read: 799

MORAL DILEMMA



This test will only take one minute and only has one question, but it's a very important one.



By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.



The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.



Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.



Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.



THE SITUATION:



You are in Queensland , Rockhampton to be specific.



There is chaos all around you caused by the severe flooding; a flood of biblical proportions.



You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.



The situation is nearly hopeless.. You're trying to shoot career-making photos.



There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.



Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury..



THE TEST:



Suddenly, you see a woman in the water.



She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer... Somehow, the woman looks familiar...



You suddenly realise who it is...



It's Julia Gillard!



You notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever.



You have two options:



1. You can save her life; or



2. You can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of the country's most powerful woman!



THE QUESTION



Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...



Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

**Giggles**
12:41 Feb 11 2011
Times Read: 803

During a recent flood in a small town, a young girl was perched on top of a house with a little boy.







As they sat watching articles float by in the water, they noticed an old hat go past.







Suddenly, the hat turned and came back, then turned around and went downstream.







After it had gone some distance, again it turned and came back.







They watched as it did this a number of times.







"Do you see that hat?" said the girl in amazement.







"First it goes downstream, then turns around and comes back, then it goes back downstream and then it comes back again."







"Oh, don't worry............... it's only my dad," replied the boy.



"This morning my Mum said that come hell or high water, he had to mow the lawn today."

**Giggles**
23:36 Feb 04 2011
Times Read: 815

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.



She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.



"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.



The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.



After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.



She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.



He didn't believe her, so she said:



"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden.



I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."



So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:



"Do you shave?"



"No," replied the girl.



"I've just never grown any hair down there.



Do you have hair?"



"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.



The girl finished her bath and went to bed.



Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?”



"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."



"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said.



"You've seen it often enough before."



"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"

**Giggles**
14:57 Feb 04 2011
Times Read: 819

A masked man walks into a bank and holds it up at gunpoint to rob the bank.







In the process of robbing the bank, his mask fell off.







He quickly put it back on his face and asked the teller directly ahead of him if she saw his face.







She admitted that she did, so he shot and killed her.







He then turned to the teller that was beside the one her just killed and asked if she had also seen his face.







She said that she did and he shot and killed her too.







He then turned to a man, a customer who just happened to be in the bank when the robbery was taking place.







The robber asked the customer if he had seen his face.







The customer replied, "No, but I'm pretty sure my wife did."

**Giggles**
13:43 Feb 03 2011
Times Read: 826




A Hippie sits next to a nun on the bus and asks her if he could have sex with her,



She said "NO! I am married to god!!" and gets off the bus disgusted.



The bus driver said "She prays every Tuesday night at midnight in the grave yard, why don’t you dress up in a hooded robe go to the grave yard tell her you are God and demand sex?"



The hippie tries this and to his surprise the nun said "Yes, but only if we have anal sex as I want to keep my virginity".



They have passionate bum sex and when they are done the hippie throws off his robe and cries "Ha ha" I'm the hippie!



The nun cries out "ha ha" I'm the bus driver!

Doo Wop Test
23:16 Feb 01 2011
Times Read: 831

Doo Wop Test







Don't cheat, now !



1. When did ''Little Suzie'' finally wake up?

(a) The movie's over, it's 2 o'clock

(b) The movie's over, it's 3 o'clock

(c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock



2. ''Rock Around The Clock'' was used in what movie?

(a) Rebel Without A Cause

(b) Blackboard Jungle

(c) The Wild Ones



3. What's missing from a Rock & Roll standpoint? Earth _____

(a) Angel

(b) Mother

(c) Worm



4. ''I found my thrill .... . .'' where?

(a) Kansas City

(b) Heartbreak Hotel

(c) Blueberry Hill



5. ''Please turn on your magic beam, _____ _____ bring me a dream,'':

(a) Mr. Sandman

(b) Earth Angel

(c) Dream Lover



6. For which label did Elvis Presley first record?

(a) Atlantic

(b) RCA

(c) Sun



7. He asked, ''Why's everybody always pickin' on me?'' Who was he?

(a) Bad, Bad Leroy Brown

(b) Charlie Brown

(c) Buster Brown



8. In Bobby Darin's ''Mack The Knife,'' the one with the knife, was named:

(a) MacHeath

(b) MacCloud

(c) MacNamara



9. Name the song with ''A-wop bop a-loo bop a-lop bam boom.''

(a) Good Golly, Miss Molly

(b) Be-Bop-A-Lula

(c) Tutti Fruitti



10. Who is generally given credit for originating the term ''Rock And Roll''?

(a) Dic k Clark

(b) Wolfman Jack

(c) Alan Freed



11. In 1957, he left the music business to become a preacher:

(a) Little Richard

(b) Frankie Lymon

(c) Tony Orlando



12. Paul Anka's ''Puppy Love'' is written to what star?

(a) Brenda Lee

(b) Connie Francis

(c) Annette Funicello



13. The Everly Brothers were . . ......

(a) Pete and Dick

(b) Don and Phil

(c) Bob and Bill



14. The Big Bopper's real name was:

(a) Jiles P. Richardson

(b) Roy Harold Scherer Jr.

(c) Marion Michael Morrison



15. In 1959, Berry Gordy, Jr.., started a small record company called...

(a) Decca

(b) Cameo

(c) Motown



16. Edd Brynes had a hit with ''Kookie, Kookie, Lend Me Your Comb''. What TV show was he on?

(a) 77 Sunset Strip

(b) Hawaiian Eye

(c) Surfside Six



17. In 1960 Bobby Darin married:

(a) Carol Lynley

(b) Sandra Dee

(c) Natalie Wood



18.. They were a one hit wonder with ''Book Of Love'':

(a) The Penguins

(b) The Monotones

(c) The Moonglows



19.. The Everly Brothers sang a song called ''Till I ______ You.''

(a) Loved

(b) Kissed

(c) Met



20. Chuck Berry sang ''Oh, ___________, why can't you be true?''

(a) Suzie Q

(b) Peggy Sue

(c) Maybelline









21. ''Wooly _______''

(a) Mammouth

(b) Bully

(c) Pully



22. ''I'm like a one-eyed cat . . . ."

(a) can't go into town no more

(b) sleepin' on a cold hard floor

(c) peepin' in a seafood store



23. ''Sometimes I wonder what I'm gonna do . . . . ..''

(a) cause there ain't no answer for a life without booze

(b) cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues

(c) cause my car's gassed up and I'm ready to cruise



24.. ''They often call me Speedo, but my real name is ... .. . . . ...''

(a) Mr. Earl

(b) Jackie Pearl

(c) Milton Berle



25. ''You're my Fanny and nobody else's ......''

(a) girl

(b) butt

(c) love



26. ''I want you to play with my . . . ''

(a) heart

(b) dreams

(c) ding a ling



27. ''Be Bop A Lula ....''

(a) she's got the rabies

(b) she's my baby.

(c) she loves me, maybe



28. ''Fine Love, Fine Kissing ......''

(a) right here

(b) fifty cents

(c) just for you



29. ''He wore black denim trousers and . . ....''

(a) a pink carnation

(b) pink leotards

(c) motorcycle boots



30. ''I got a gal named . ... .''

(a) Jenny Zamboni

(b) Gerri Mahoney

(c) Boney Maroney



















Answers:



Scroll Down so you aren't tempted to cheat (as if cheating were needed here).

* * * * * * * * * * * *



1 (c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock

2. (b) Blackboard Jungle

3. (a) Angel

4. (c) Blueberry Hill

5. (a) Mr. Sandman

6. (c) Sun

7. (b) Charlie Brown

8. (a) Mac Heath

9. (c) Tutti Fruitti

10. (c) Alan Freed

11. (a) Little Richard

12.. (c) Ann ette Funicello

13. (b) Don and Phil

14. (a) Jiles P. Richardson

15. (c) Motown

16. (a) 77 Sunset Strip

17. (b) Sandra Dee

18. (b) The Monotones

19. (b) Kissed

20. (c) Maybelline

21. (b) Bully

22. (c) peepin' in a sea food store

23. (b) cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues

24. (a) Mr. Earl

25. (b) butt

26. (c) ding a ling

27. (b) she's my baby

28. (a) right here

29. (c) motorcycle boots

30. (c) Boney Maroney